“You haven’t used the simulacrum to verify the DNA sequence of the knarled eastern” July 28, 2006

Sakyotr Povich Malovsky had spent several years trying to breed a new type of cabbage. It was a knarled eastern cabbage of his own design.

He had spent the first several years perfecting a thought device (or process if you will) which he referred to as the “gedanken cabbage simulacrum”. An interesting device it was indeed. It was made up of two notebooks, the back cover of the first glued to the second. Through a system of holes he carefully cut in the pages, he could model many variations of cabbage breeding techniques. He used the cabbage simulacrum to test out his ideas about the breeding of his goal, his knarled eastern cabbage. The holes in the simulacrum were arranged such that by dog-earing the right set of pages, he could determine the viable sequences of grafts, culls and pollinates (though it must be pointed out that the requisite dog ears, were more like a beagle’s than a schitzu’s). For years, he lobored over the simulacrum, perfecting its capabilities, using it to gain insight into his quest. After this painstaking process, Sakyotr begun growing the knarled eastern. And because of his experience with the simulacrum, he managed to achieve the perfect knarl in only four generations!

The simulacrum on its own was no small feat, capable of guiding the evolution of many a horticultural breed, from flowers to tubular roots, even gaining much sucess with woody trees (which were incidentally used to make is favorite pencils) and even with the Lebanese bonzai. With the growth of his eastern knarls, he took those insights from design to implementation. But his quests did not end there. The eastern knarls presented a particular culinary problem: their many knarls (up to 38,400 individual knarls on one prize growth), presented new challenges to the masters and engagers in the culinary arts. This was rather problematic, since the inevitable occasional tyro could barely handle a single knarl, and the experienced professionals topped out at processing two or three. But the knarls acted like little cilia, were highly sensitive to variations in pressure, and could thus, literrally, “hear”. And what an amazing feat that hearing was!

It turned out that the right sequence of vibrations would cause a knarled eastern to “self-slice”, turning into a neat cole-slaw, setup for pip’s “the stuff” or anything else. An appropriate sequence of vibrations could even turn a footbal (that’s soccer to the southerners) into a pea-sized lead nugget larger than either Catvich’s brain.

So, to go with the simulacrum, and the seeds of the knarled eastern to boot, Sakyotr devised a lexicon of incantations that could be used to achieve a cutting of choice.

And one day, the Catvich’s, unable to glean anything from his noteooks, came in to put the fire on his behind. They started bitching endlessly about the order of books on his shelves, the abscence of legends on the street signs and such. After a long rant, they ended with this: “Oh, you know, the simulacrum is nice and all, hats off, but, you know, yeh, yeh, yeh, even though it lets you accurately grow knarled easterns and such, you haven’t used it to verify the DNA sequence of the knarled eastern.”

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 steal compass, drive north, disappear...